To everyone,
I know it's hard now for each of you to witness Dad going through the pain, suffering and waiting to die. And I know you guys are feeling a sense of hopelessness because you want to take his suffering away, but there is nothing in this world you can do.
Having lost Michael ( my late husband for those of you who don't know me), in 2002, I wish to offer you some words of comfort.
Michael died on April 27, 2002 at 5:05 pm.
Exactly 12 hours later, at 5:05 am, April 28, 2002, he came to me.
I was alert.
I wasn't sleeping.
I was watching the clock on the wall.
Then I felt him grabbing my hands, my legs, as if he was trying touch me for the last time.
I just let him do what he came for.
I let him say goodbye to me.
And he did. He said goodbye the only way that a spirit could. He held his wife for the last time.
Though we all know that death is a part of life, it doens't make it any easier to except it.
So that is why it's one of the hardest thing in life for a person to go through: Watching someone you love die. You'll go through phases of hope, uncertainty, grief, and regrets.
You're looking sitting by his bed side, watching him hooking up to all the medical apparutus, and you can't do a thing.
He's incoherent because the pain medication. Without it, he will suffere more. With it, it takes his mind else where.
While I pray that the end is not near, I can't help but succumb to the fact that his life is indeed ending.
I can't say this enough, but this is what some of us will go through after this, and please be prepare for it because some of you have not buried someone who you love dearly.
You will not be able to sleep after this ordeal. I didn't sleep for 10 consecutive days after Michael died.
It will paralyze you.
You will hurt.
Your heart will hurt.
Your mind goes in a whirlwind.
Your body feels weak.
Tears will come out when you least expected.
Then comes silence, when everyone who come to comfort you, to offer you words of condolences go back to their home. And you're alone, facing the emptiness, hurt, hopelessness by yourself, that is when you'll find your strength.
And you will ask yourself : When will it gets better? When will the pain in me end?
The answer is this: You'll never get over a death of someone you love..........It will not get better. Thought the tears will dry up, and then you'll cry less often, the pain will never go away.It won't because when you love someone, you'll always love them.
Everything you;ll see in this world will remind you of that person.
You will have dream of him.
He may even come in your dreams to talk to you, to visit you, if you will.
The best thing that happened to me when Michael died was that I stayed with Quoc for a few days.
I was in the daze. Robotic. Wondering when I will ever sleep again. Wondering when I will have that feeling that normal people feel because when you can't sleep, nothing seems real. Quoc undetstood. He and Richard tried to bring back some normacy to me.
But I didn't response. It wasn't because I didn't want to. I just couldn't. My mind wasn't my own. I felt as if I was in someone's else body.
So after this, I hope each of you find your place of comfort and keep in mind that we all will see Dad again one day.
There will be a reunion.
And it will be in God's house..... heaven!

Lan Anh here!