Tears in Heaven
Cậu Năm stood on a rocky cliff high above the crashing waves of the deep blue ocean. The Sun had risen and Its glorious rays of light embraced the earth with warm and affection. The gentle Wind spirited across the water and brought Life to the expansive shore, and the palm trees swayed softly celebrating another magnificent day in paradise. Behind Cậu Năm the vast ridges of Mountains protruded out of the earth splendidly in defiant. All of God’s creations came together with the choir of angels to give Him thanks,
“If God is for us, who can be against us?He who did not spare his own Son but handed him over for us all, how will he not also give us everything else along with him?”
The tender song soothed Cậu Năm’s soul, as he stood straight with his head held high breathing in the Glory of God. There was no pain here. The earthly suffering had yielded to the ecstasy of everlasting love.
Cậu Năm’s face glowed with health and happiness and his entire being radiated with strength and contentment. The tender wind parted his thick black hair, as he smiled that slightly crooked trademarked smile of his. There was something about the ocean that he dearly loved. He was born in Nha Trang, a beautiful city by the sea. He grew up swimming in the salty water of the vast ocean, and then everyday on his way to work, he always paused to admire its view. The blue water contrasted by the crystal white sandy beach. The majestic mountain sloped sharply into the waves. The small fishing boats floated by the shore. All of these were so much a part of him.
Even during the evacuation to Saigon, he had relied on the sea to find his way back to his family. He recalled the boat trip out to the South China Sea on that fateful day in April 1975 and the one from the Philippines to Guam with his family. The ocean had saved him and his family. And as time went on, his favorite ocean view became the one from the pier of Galveston Bay, where he fished in its murky brown water. Somehow the ocean brought him peace. It gave him relief from the maddening storms that were raging on his mind.
A drop of tear trickled down his face. He missed his family so much. He thought of Lan Anh and almost busted out crying. How could he have been so violent? How could he have let his temper get the best of him? He thought of that dark day in St. Louis and wished that he could have taken it all back. He wished that he had not been so abusive, and he wanted more than anything to embrace Lan Anh, kiss her hands and beg her for forgiveness. He wanted to hold close all of his children. He wanted them to know how much he loved them. There were no excuses for his tough love. He knew now that he should have been more loving and more caring. God loved him and His mercy had forgiven him. Yet his heart still ached.
Going down to the shore, Cậu Năm slowly paced the white sandy beach. The crystals under his barefoot tickled his toes, as the cool water massaged his ankles. He remembered this feeling walking the beach of Nha Trang. He remembered falling in love with his wife Mợ Năm and the times they had walked the beach together hand in hand. He missed her big brown eyes and her sweet smile. He missed the twinkle of her eyes and the mischievous smile that won his heart. He missed the humble brick house where they both had raised their children. He longed to see her again to tell her how much he loved her. He did not know when things had begun to go wrong between them, and he wished he had been more diligent in loving her. Lately he had thought of her often. She must have been lonely in that little house in St. Louis. May his children love her and visit her as frequent as they can. A short phone call from each of them once in a while would let him voice his love through theirs.
His thoughts drifted to his girls. God, he missed Dạ Thu, Lan Anh and Dạ Thão so much. How could he have let his ego get in the way of loving them? He truly loved his girls and missed them so much.
He missed the rapid eyes blinking of Dạ Thu and how she would blink those gorgeous eyes of hers when she was excited. He longed to hold Dạ Thu in his arms again. Those long nights in the hospital with Dạ Thu were wonderful for him. He was so proud of a gentle and loving Dạ Thu against all the wrong examples he had set. He missed his oldest girl and wished he could show her how much he loved her.
He missed Lan Anh too. He loved the quiet measured gentleness of Lan Anh and her bright smile when she lets her guard down. Lan Anh was so much like her mom physically and emotionally, and he loved her for it. He still felt the pain in his heart every time he thought of Lan Anh. He wished that Lan Anh would find in her heart to forgive him as God had forgiven him for the pain that he had caused her. “Lan Anh, I will never let you get hurt again.” Cậu Năm pledged quietly.
And God knows how he would give anything to buy back the trust of Dạ Thão, to earn the unconditional embrace of his youngest daughter. He thought of her often and thanked her for being Mợ Năm’s best friend and confidant. He regretted deeply for not having been a better father to Dạ Thão. He wanted to let her know that he will bless her and pray to God everyday for her. In all she does, he will be there with her.
He had prayed to God to let him watch over his earthly angels and to earn their forgiveness by guiding them with his love. His prayers had pleased God and he wished his daughters would open up their hearts to him. More than ever, he was determined to make up for all the lost time and lack of affection to his girls. From this day forward, his daughters would go to bed every night knowing their father is watching over each of them and their families.
“Be not afraid, I go before you always,
Come follow me and I will give you rest.”
The angels were singing his favorite song and it lifted up his spirit. Cậu Năm picked up a small rock and tossed it into the ocean. The rock skipped over the surface of the water couple times and disappeared into the wave. He had forgotten the last time he had done this on earth. It must have been the time he went fishing with Dượng Sáu probably a year ago. Dượng Sáu had been his best buddy for a long time. Besides Cô Lisa and Dượng Sáu, he had not had too many other friends. Many of his acquaintances had been so judgmental to him. They criticized and shunned him. He didn’t care then and still didn’t care now. But he missed his best friend in Dượng Sáu, a gentle man who never judged him. He missed his faithful companion Cô Lisa as well. She was a gentle soul that had taught him how to love. She and her family had embraced him. They gave him the respect and self worth that he needed and they gave him the family that he desperately longed for. May God bless them and reward them for loving him and taking care of him.
Cậu Năm choked up when he thought about his younger sisters Dì Sáu and Dì Bảy. He so treasured the last time he was with them in the hospital in Houston. Seeing Dì Sáu and Dì Bảy together by his bedside brought tears to his eyes. He loved his sisters so much. He remembered the time when Dì Sáu was admitted to the emergency room and he came to visit. He was joking to Lêvi about how strong he was that he would never cry; then all of the sudden the thought of losing Dì Sáu was so real that he could not help but wept openly. There was no shame in crying in front of her children. They all knew that he loved their parents so very much. He also loved Dì Sáu’s children as well, especially Huyền and Tí. They reminded him so much of his own girls and he thanked them for it.
He also remembered the time he spent in Cincinnati with the family of Dì Bảy. What a wonderful time it was. Dì Bảy’s beautiful children were a pure pleasure to be around. They were sweet, gentle, polite and respectful. Dượng Bảy and Dì Bảy had done well raising a loving family. They all had given him so much during the darkest period of his life. He wanted to let them know that he prayed to God to bless each one of them for they had loved him when he thought no one else would.
Ông Ngoại stepped out onto the beach and greeted Cậu Năm, “Still missing them?” as though he had read Cậu Năm’s mind. He continued, “Let the living takes care of themselves.” Ông Ngoại was a handsome older man. His eyes were bright and he had the combined resemblance of Cậu Năm and that of Anh Anh, the son of Dì Ba.
Cậu Năm asked Ông Ngoại, “I missed them so much. Do you think that God might let me be their guardian angel?”
“You already are,” said Ông Ngoại, “Every time you think of each one of them. You bless them with your prayer. The rest is up to them.”
Ông Ngoại said, “I was with you all your life, but you only wished to listen near the end. I sent Dì Bảy and her family, Dì Sáu and Dượng Sáu and their children, Cô Lisa and her children, and then I sent Quốc. Only when you saw Bé, Kiệt and Quốc together did you begin to think about your life and the people you touched. Then I sent Tí and Cha Huy to prepare you. Thank God you had finally listened.”
Cậu Năm cracked a painful smile, “I wished I had opened my heart and listened much earlier. My family would have been saved and probably much happier.”
Ông Ngoại put his arm around Cậu Năm, “It is the way of God, and not yours. His will be done, son.” The two men continued down the beach together.
“I missed Chị Hai, Chị Ba and Chị Bốn,” Cậu Năm said softly.
“Yes, me too.” said Ông Ngoại, “Pray for them and they will be alright.”
Ông Ngoại and Cậu Năm stopped, bowed their heads and prayed. Then Cậu Năm asked Ông Ngoại to pray with him for his sons as well. Together they prayed for Anh Dzuy, Anh Tân, Anh Bé, Anh Vũ, Anh Hào, Anh Kiệt and Anh Quốc. Cậu Năm missed his sons so much that tears were pouring down his face. He wished silently that he could have been a better father to them and prayed that they would have learned from his mistakes as well as his successes. Then together they prayed for Father Tân and his missions. Joining hands in prayer, the two men were passing down the blessing of faith to the next generation.
The sky was getting dark as the clouds began to move inland. The moist air blew over the water and ruffled the palm trees along the sandy beach. A sound of thunder came from afar.
“Let’s go, son,” said Ông Ngoại, “God is calling.” And then Ông Ngoại and Cậu Năm started down the path to God’s House.
Another lightning exploded nearby. It shook the windows in the bedroom and woke me up. In the early hour of the morning, the rain looked like tears from heaven.
Vui
For Cậu Năm on his 100th Day.
Cậu Năm stood on a rocky cliff high above the crashing waves of the deep blue ocean. The Sun had risen and Its glorious rays of light embraced the earth with warm and affection. The gentle Wind spirited across the water and brought Life to the expansive shore, and the palm trees swayed softly celebrating another magnificent day in paradise. Behind Cậu Năm the vast ridges of Mountains protruded out of the earth splendidly in defiant. All of God’s creations came together with the choir of angels to give Him thanks,
“If God is for us, who can be against us?He who did not spare his own Son but handed him over for us all, how will he not also give us everything else along with him?”
The tender song soothed Cậu Năm’s soul, as he stood straight with his head held high breathing in the Glory of God. There was no pain here. The earthly suffering had yielded to the ecstasy of everlasting love.
Cậu Năm’s face glowed with health and happiness and his entire being radiated with strength and contentment. The tender wind parted his thick black hair, as he smiled that slightly crooked trademarked smile of his. There was something about the ocean that he dearly loved. He was born in Nha Trang, a beautiful city by the sea. He grew up swimming in the salty water of the vast ocean, and then everyday on his way to work, he always paused to admire its view. The blue water contrasted by the crystal white sandy beach. The majestic mountain sloped sharply into the waves. The small fishing boats floated by the shore. All of these were so much a part of him.
Even during the evacuation to Saigon, he had relied on the sea to find his way back to his family. He recalled the boat trip out to the South China Sea on that fateful day in April 1975 and the one from the Philippines to Guam with his family. The ocean had saved him and his family. And as time went on, his favorite ocean view became the one from the pier of Galveston Bay, where he fished in its murky brown water. Somehow the ocean brought him peace. It gave him relief from the maddening storms that were raging on his mind.
A drop of tear trickled down his face. He missed his family so much. He thought of Lan Anh and almost busted out crying. How could he have been so violent? How could he have let his temper get the best of him? He thought of that dark day in St. Louis and wished that he could have taken it all back. He wished that he had not been so abusive, and he wanted more than anything to embrace Lan Anh, kiss her hands and beg her for forgiveness. He wanted to hold close all of his children. He wanted them to know how much he loved them. There were no excuses for his tough love. He knew now that he should have been more loving and more caring. God loved him and His mercy had forgiven him. Yet his heart still ached.
Going down to the shore, Cậu Năm slowly paced the white sandy beach. The crystals under his barefoot tickled his toes, as the cool water massaged his ankles. He remembered this feeling walking the beach of Nha Trang. He remembered falling in love with his wife Mợ Năm and the times they had walked the beach together hand in hand. He missed her big brown eyes and her sweet smile. He missed the twinkle of her eyes and the mischievous smile that won his heart. He missed the humble brick house where they both had raised their children. He longed to see her again to tell her how much he loved her. He did not know when things had begun to go wrong between them, and he wished he had been more diligent in loving her. Lately he had thought of her often. She must have been lonely in that little house in St. Louis. May his children love her and visit her as frequent as they can. A short phone call from each of them once in a while would let him voice his love through theirs.
His thoughts drifted to his girls. God, he missed Dạ Thu, Lan Anh and Dạ Thão so much. How could he have let his ego get in the way of loving them? He truly loved his girls and missed them so much.
He missed the rapid eyes blinking of Dạ Thu and how she would blink those gorgeous eyes of hers when she was excited. He longed to hold Dạ Thu in his arms again. Those long nights in the hospital with Dạ Thu were wonderful for him. He was so proud of a gentle and loving Dạ Thu against all the wrong examples he had set. He missed his oldest girl and wished he could show her how much he loved her.
He missed Lan Anh too. He loved the quiet measured gentleness of Lan Anh and her bright smile when she lets her guard down. Lan Anh was so much like her mom physically and emotionally, and he loved her for it. He still felt the pain in his heart every time he thought of Lan Anh. He wished that Lan Anh would find in her heart to forgive him as God had forgiven him for the pain that he had caused her. “Lan Anh, I will never let you get hurt again.” Cậu Năm pledged quietly.
And God knows how he would give anything to buy back the trust of Dạ Thão, to earn the unconditional embrace of his youngest daughter. He thought of her often and thanked her for being Mợ Năm’s best friend and confidant. He regretted deeply for not having been a better father to Dạ Thão. He wanted to let her know that he will bless her and pray to God everyday for her. In all she does, he will be there with her.
He had prayed to God to let him watch over his earthly angels and to earn their forgiveness by guiding them with his love. His prayers had pleased God and he wished his daughters would open up their hearts to him. More than ever, he was determined to make up for all the lost time and lack of affection to his girls. From this day forward, his daughters would go to bed every night knowing their father is watching over each of them and their families.
“Be not afraid, I go before you always,
Come follow me and I will give you rest.”
The angels were singing his favorite song and it lifted up his spirit. Cậu Năm picked up a small rock and tossed it into the ocean. The rock skipped over the surface of the water couple times and disappeared into the wave. He had forgotten the last time he had done this on earth. It must have been the time he went fishing with Dượng Sáu probably a year ago. Dượng Sáu had been his best buddy for a long time. Besides Cô Lisa and Dượng Sáu, he had not had too many other friends. Many of his acquaintances had been so judgmental to him. They criticized and shunned him. He didn’t care then and still didn’t care now. But he missed his best friend in Dượng Sáu, a gentle man who never judged him. He missed his faithful companion Cô Lisa as well. She was a gentle soul that had taught him how to love. She and her family had embraced him. They gave him the respect and self worth that he needed and they gave him the family that he desperately longed for. May God bless them and reward them for loving him and taking care of him.
Cậu Năm choked up when he thought about his younger sisters Dì Sáu and Dì Bảy. He so treasured the last time he was with them in the hospital in Houston. Seeing Dì Sáu and Dì Bảy together by his bedside brought tears to his eyes. He loved his sisters so much. He remembered the time when Dì Sáu was admitted to the emergency room and he came to visit. He was joking to Lêvi about how strong he was that he would never cry; then all of the sudden the thought of losing Dì Sáu was so real that he could not help but wept openly. There was no shame in crying in front of her children. They all knew that he loved their parents so very much. He also loved Dì Sáu’s children as well, especially Huyền and Tí. They reminded him so much of his own girls and he thanked them for it.
He also remembered the time he spent in Cincinnati with the family of Dì Bảy. What a wonderful time it was. Dì Bảy’s beautiful children were a pure pleasure to be around. They were sweet, gentle, polite and respectful. Dượng Bảy and Dì Bảy had done well raising a loving family. They all had given him so much during the darkest period of his life. He wanted to let them know that he prayed to God to bless each one of them for they had loved him when he thought no one else would.
Ông Ngoại stepped out onto the beach and greeted Cậu Năm, “Still missing them?” as though he had read Cậu Năm’s mind. He continued, “Let the living takes care of themselves.” Ông Ngoại was a handsome older man. His eyes were bright and he had the combined resemblance of Cậu Năm and that of Anh Anh, the son of Dì Ba.
Cậu Năm asked Ông Ngoại, “I missed them so much. Do you think that God might let me be their guardian angel?”
“You already are,” said Ông Ngoại, “Every time you think of each one of them. You bless them with your prayer. The rest is up to them.”
Ông Ngoại said, “I was with you all your life, but you only wished to listen near the end. I sent Dì Bảy and her family, Dì Sáu and Dượng Sáu and their children, Cô Lisa and her children, and then I sent Quốc. Only when you saw Bé, Kiệt and Quốc together did you begin to think about your life and the people you touched. Then I sent Tí and Cha Huy to prepare you. Thank God you had finally listened.”
Cậu Năm cracked a painful smile, “I wished I had opened my heart and listened much earlier. My family would have been saved and probably much happier.”
Ông Ngoại put his arm around Cậu Năm, “It is the way of God, and not yours. His will be done, son.” The two men continued down the beach together.
“I missed Chị Hai, Chị Ba and Chị Bốn,” Cậu Năm said softly.
“Yes, me too.” said Ông Ngoại, “Pray for them and they will be alright.”
Ông Ngoại and Cậu Năm stopped, bowed their heads and prayed. Then Cậu Năm asked Ông Ngoại to pray with him for his sons as well. Together they prayed for Anh Dzuy, Anh Tân, Anh Bé, Anh Vũ, Anh Hào, Anh Kiệt and Anh Quốc. Cậu Năm missed his sons so much that tears were pouring down his face. He wished silently that he could have been a better father to them and prayed that they would have learned from his mistakes as well as his successes. Then together they prayed for Father Tân and his missions. Joining hands in prayer, the two men were passing down the blessing of faith to the next generation.
The sky was getting dark as the clouds began to move inland. The moist air blew over the water and ruffled the palm trees along the sandy beach. A sound of thunder came from afar.
“Let’s go, son,” said Ông Ngoại, “God is calling.” And then Ông Ngoại and Cậu Năm started down the path to God’s House.
Another lightning exploded nearby. It shook the windows in the bedroom and woke me up. In the early hour of the morning, the rain looked like tears from heaven.
Vui
For Cậu Năm on his 100th Day.
1 comment:
This was one of my favorite essays written by Vui.
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