From Ti to Chi Lan-Anh

Hi Chi Lan Anh,

I am sorry Cau Nam is no longer here to tell us with his own words how much he loved and cared for each one of us, especially his children. So let me pass on to you the precious moments we shared during his last weeks.

Cau Nam loved his children. He cherished his kids and longed to be with you all when he reflected on his own mortality. One day I visited him at home during Anh Quoc's brief break from his constant vigil, Cau Nam heartbreakingly told me 'thang Quoc no di roi con' (Anh Quoc had left). It was as though the time he had with Anh Quoc was all too brief and so precious and it was inconceivable that it was coming to an end. It was a sincere and tender sigh uttered from the steadfast love of a father.

And when Anh Quoc and Chi Da Ua lingered after the Christmas holiday with him, his genuine love and praise for them were clear and constant. Anh Quoc was always there in the critical times of his life. And Cau Nam would never forget that. Whereas Chi Da Ua is and will always be the nicest kid on the face of this planet in your dad's eyes.

And then there was Anh Tan. The letter from Anh Tan was the turning point in Cau Nam's healing and peace of mind and spirit. By the time I visited that night, Cau Nam had already read the letter three times. He had it by his bedside. He asked me to read it but I declined. Whatever transpired, I perceived a peace and resignation of a hard internal struggle that consumed him. The will to let it go left Cau Nam fragile, empty, spent. He was totally exhausted but serene. He was dying, yet there sprung new life and hope.

Around this time Fr. Huy came to his home to minister to him. Fr. Huy heard his confession. Fr. Huy led Cau Nam back to God's love and mercy. Cau Nam 'adopted' Fr. Huy and loved him as one of his own. He lavished praise on Fr. Huy's simplicity and goodness. He confided his woes and 'secret' to Fr. Huy who was bound by the seal of confession. He unburdened his regrets and as Fr. Huy spoke at the funeral mass, Cau Nam asked everyone to forgive him. And as Cau Nam forgave and bade forgiveness, love filled his heart.

This love permeated his being in his last days. In the emergency room, as people probed, prodded and pricked him, he cried out in pain yet held no bitterness. He saw the good in everyone helping him and he loved them. He was thrilled to see our siblings file in one after another after another to visit him. And he loved us all. But it was after everyone had gone, and I was the only one left, quietly tending to him, praying for him, that he spoke of how he saw the love I have for him in my actions. His thoughts turned to his own children. And tears streamed down his face. And he loved his children.

Then as the end drew near, his children came. First Anh Quoc. What a relief it was for Cau Nam to have him by his side once more. Next, Chi Da Thu further enkindled that love Cau Nam had for his children. Later, Cau Nam's mind began to slip but he hung on to the fierce love he had for his children, and with such affection he looked at Chi Da Thu. One after another all his children and Mo Nam came. His families and relatives came. And he loved everyone.

Cau Nam was a man who suffered and sacrificed. When the doctor gave him hours to live, he unbelievably hung on in his suffering as a sacrifice for us. No longer. He is now with God and the fruits of his suffering and sacrifices will bloom in our hearts. And he loves us still.

Ti